Words and stuff

Ghosts from blogs past

I have insomnia and was sifting through stories/blogs/angry letters I have written in the past and stumbled upon this.

Blog #1 trouble in paradise

Breaking up is hard to do. And getting broken up with sucks. I recently went through a break-up after 3 years. My friends were great, they were my crisis hotline. But it’s hard to listen to your girlfriends call the person-you-love-who-you-hate-for-breaking-up-with-you-but-still-love an asshole.  And being unemployed doesn’t help matters much, at home all day with nothing to do, you become nomadic, aimlessly wandering throughout the day. I’d spend some mornings in bed crying and eventually drag myself up only to retreat back to bed within minutes. Some women can look beautiful crying, I cannot.

‘Why?’ Was always the question in my mind. I mean, we were 25, we talked houses, marriage, dogs.. How could he go from spending every minute with me to just not wanting to? I tried to search Facebook for answers but all I found was ambiguity. He added a million people in the first week (OK, so maybe like 10) and some of which were girls, some younger, some attractive, that I had never heard of. Hmmm…Tagged photos of us in shared intimate moments began to disappear, as did some of those new “friendships” from his wall. On the verge of hysteria, I text him (Yes, nowadays it is way more mature to text than to pick up the phone) and demanded explanations which after all he didn’t have to give me considering he was the one who dumped me. But explanations he did give, although they weren’t helpful whatsoever. He “wasn’t sure” why stuff had disappeared from his wall, and he was trying to “organize” his photos, not delete them. I chalked this up as him lacking Facebook experience and put my mind at ease for the day.

At 4:35 a.m. that night, (because did I forget to mention I mostly stopped sleeping?) I logged on to look at his profile again and being the psychotic, heartbroken, insomniac that I was, I began to scroll through his friends’ list to see if I could pick out any girls that I thought he might have recently added that I missed. I came across one girl who didn’t seem familiar. My stomach began to tighten. I checked his mutual friends with her: 1. I glanced at her profile pictures, she was attractive. As I began to write her name down on a post-it for further investigation, I had a revelation. Holy Sh$t! I’m a cyber-stalker. I am stalking my ex-boyfriend and the people he is friends with. How creepy am I? No wonder he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m a huge creep. I promptly deactivated my account and attempted, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep.

The next morning, at about 1p.m., I cleared my schedule, not that I had one, and ventured out to Chapters. I ordered a Grande Chai Tea Latte, extra hot, non-fat, to ease my soul of course, and crept awkwardly towards the section to which I came seeking. I looked left, I looked right and with nobody in sight stepped into the aisle. “Self-Help” stared out from the top of a big shelf, like a finger pointing and laughing at me. I looked cautiously around again, crouched down, the better to not be seen, and started perusing titles. “He’s just not that into you”, “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken”, “10,000 romantic things to do”. The titles ranged from helping women to get over the denial of a break-up, to how to fix a break-up, to how to find someone new.

I grabbed a few titles from the shelf and settled down on a window ledge in the back of the store, conveniently.  I started browsing through the books to see if the knowledge they possessed was worth the amount on my Chapters gift card. I settled on “What was I thinking? 58 bad boyfriend stories” thinking that what I needed was a pick-me-up; women sharing their dating horror stories to make my break-up seem not as bad. Upon arriving home, and eating a liquid meal, I settled in with my new book hoping to make myself feel better if only temporarily.

 I couldn’t put the book down, the stories were so unbelieveable, so hilarious that I was almost crying. Nearly 60 women shared tales of when they knew that the man of their dreams, really wasn’t from their dreams. Men who were moody, assholes, sexual fetishists, kleptomaniacs and your typical bad boys marched across the pages.

I finished the book within two days and had another revelation: Women across the world had it way worse than I did. My ex-boyfriend had broken up with me because he believed “it was what we both wanted”. The women in the book dealt with men who rivaled the anti-Christ and my ex-boyfriend still read and responded to my text messages. I had cyber-stalked the “asshole”, had moped around for two weeks, had snuck around the self-help section of Chapters like a shoplifter and in the end my situation was a lot better then nearly every single woman in the book.

I felt empowered, to say the least. I thought, hey! I can do this on my own, I’m an independent woman! I don’t need a man to make me happy or to define me! If he doesn’t want to be with me, his loss! That book opened tons of doors to me that I presumed were locked before. I was excited to start my new single life, so I started with high-lights in a colour I knew he would hate.

Two days later, we were back together.

2012

This year I will live my life differently. I will be honest with everyone I encounter, and with myself, regardless of the pain that honesty might cause. I will cherish my body, my temple, and not feel ashamed or pressured to look a different way. I will not look back at my failures with regret but will look forward in the hopes of using them to strengthen me. I will not try to grow up too fast but nor will I use my youth as an excuse. I will not hold myself back from the things that I want and will always keep my dreams in sight. Trop Rever…

The tall and skinny of it

In a world of skinny jeans and skinny lattes, we are being told each day that not only is skinny here, it is here to stay. Body image is not a new issue; there are many public figures who have spoken out against bulimia and anorexia. However, for each step forward there is also a step back.

The annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion show was televised in late November amid the usual excitement and anticipation. Unlike other fashion shows, the VS show highlights women with curves as they, scantily clad, flaunt them down the runway. I look forward to the show every year but I think this was the first year that I looked at it as a form of viewer masochism.  Sure, the majority of models have butts and breasts and work hard to maintain the rest of their figures, but what about the others?

Since when did jutting hip bones, hallow arms and concave thighs become attractive? In a fashion show dedicated to the appreciation of the female body, how can a young woman with flesh hanging off her bones be allowed to convey a message that not only is this acceptable, but it’s attractive? Facebook and Twitter were flooded with messages after the show of “I’m never eating again!” or “I wonder if my gym is open 24 hours?” The reality of obtaining a body like that is much more complex then simply hitting the gym every day and eating healthy.

Adriana Lima, the Brazilian bombshell who has been a VS angel for umpteen years, begins her body sculpting in August for the November show. A few weeks before the show, she starts to train twice a day with a trainer doing really intense exercises like jumping rope, boxing and weight lifting. Her diet, if you could call it that, is protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep her energy levels up and she drinks a gallon of water a day. She drinks only protein shakes for nine days before the show. Two days before the show she stops drinking a gallon of water a day and just drinks normally. And 12 hours before the show she abstains from drinking entirely.

Lima is a professional and her body is her cash cow. She is literally paid to look a certain way. She won the genetic lottery. In the modeling industry, from my experience, there is tremendous pressure to maintain a certain weight. It can cost you jobs. But in the real world, the pressure to be thin is a matter of thin being linked to attractiveness.

Everyone has something they are self-conscious about physically and no matter how much we love ourselves we are still slaves to the idea that thin is beautiful. Dove is one of the only brands that promotes accepting ourselves how we are. While “fat free”, “low calorie” and “skinny” are force fed to us each day. If we want children to believe in inner beauty, we are going to have to do better than presenting them with an illusion.

-VS Angel Karlie Kloss

A circus, a dog and a river, oh my!

I stare at words. All. Day. Long. And yet I still find time to come home and get lost in a world of make believe. In the last month I have read three books— their only similarity being that they were fiction. Each one evoked different emotions from me; one made me cry, one made me nostalgic, and one made me restless.

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

I anxiously awaited the release of this book as soon as I heard the hype. I’m not sure if it was the idea of a glamourous circus that only came to life at night or the idea of two characters being pitted against one another who ultimately fall into love that intrigued me. The Night Circus is set in the 1920s over different continents and really centres around Celia and Marco, two young magicians who, unbeknownst to them, are selected as “players” in a magical fight to the death. The “venue” for this fight ends up being Le Cirque des Reves which is unlike any circus you have ever seen. Each magician uses their power to create rooms that are awe-inspiring. Morgenstern does such a great job on the details that you feel like you can smell the caramel wafting through the air, you can see the black and white stripes of each of the tents, and you can feel the tension between Celia and Marco. I was uber impressed with Morgenstern’s debut The Night Circus. It made me want to revisit an era that was romanticized, an era where it was alright to run away with the circus. LOVE!

Watchers by Dean Koontz

I really, REALLY, enjoy the way Dean Koontz tells a story and after relishing everything that The Night Circus was, I needed a quick read to get me over my withdrawal. Watchers is a story of good and evil and like every great Dean Koontz book features a golden retriever. Einstein, a loveable, genetically-enhanced lab pup, represents everything that is good. He brings the two main characters, Travis (who is slipping into the seas of depression) and Nora (a 28-year old recluse who was taught by her aunt that people are evil) together. But when Einstein escapes the lab so does something else called The Outsider, a combination of baboon, alligator and pure evilness. Einstein, Travis, and Nora, who can all communicate through scrabble tiles, barks and tail wags, go on the run from The Outsider and the government. Mix in a psychopathic hitman who believes he absorbs his victim’s life energy and you have a recipe for suspense. Koontz has a way of combining horror, suspense, comedy and a little drama into each of his stories and Watchers is no exception. In the end, I cried. Not because it was the best thing I had ever read but because that damn dog was so loveable!

The Lady of the Rivers by Phillipa Gregory

Phillipa Gregory is one of my favourite authors. Her stories are so rich in history in a period I love that if she releases a book I immediately need to read it before anything else. The Lady of the Rivers is the third edition in the Cousin’s War books set in the 16th century, the two previous being The Red Queen and The White Queen. This book precedes the first two and spotlights Jacquetta Woodville, a woman descended from a river goddess, married and then widowed to a rich and influential duke, and then married to the love of her life, his squire. In an England plagued with strife she becomes a friend to the new queen, a naive girl from France. Gregory tells the story of Jacquetta’s life; her encounters with the “sight” (She sees a white rose of York for her daughter Elizabeth), her fight to keep Henry of Lancaster on the throne, and her relationship with her husband Richard Woodville. Gregory mixes true facts with supposed dialogue and details and makes me want to catch a flight to England and stand where these characters have stood. The only disappointment I felt was when the family tree said one of her children died in infancy and Gregory later referred to him as a young teenager that died. It was an easy mistake to forgive considering how much I love her books.

Til next time…

A case of the “I Do’s”

I have wedding fever. No, I am not engaged (and at the moment, as it turns out, I’m single) but I happen to be working on our Fall wedding magazine while simultaneously playing the role of bridesmaid in two summer weddings. All the research and hands-on experience is slowly painting a picture of what my wedding day (if I ever have one) will be like. And there are a few things I have learned, first and foremost being that there are no rules!

1. Who says you have to wear white? In fact, this year off-white, blush, and even grey gowns have been spotted everywhere.  Who says you have to match? A pop of colour somewhere, like fuschia pumps that flash under your dress, is a nice surprise.

2. You would be lying if you said the day wasn’t really about you. You are the one having a wedding and inviting people to attend. So because it’s all about you, do what YOU want. Your dress shouldn’t conform to anyone’s standards but your own.  This may mean that some people might not get that super modern cut you chose, but hey, if you feel beautiful who cares?

3. Getting married is a tradition but your wedding doesn’t have to be traditional. Go with a theme! Have the bridesmaids wear white! Plan a 30 person fete in your backyard! There are no specific guidelines that you must follow.

4. Be nice to your bridesmaids! These are your sisters, BFF’s, and future in-laws. Not everyone is built the same or has the same budget, and keep in mind that one day you, as well, may be a bridesmaid.

5. Stay true to yourself. If you’re a red lipstick kind-of-girl, then wear that red lipstick. When you look back at photos you want how you looked to reflect who you were. So don’t tone it down because it’s your wedding.

6. Take a few risks. If you’ve been looking through magazines and always wanted to try something, try it! BHLDN (my new favourite line) offers gowns, bridesmaid dresses, accessories and décor that will have everyone asking where you bought it.

7. Your hair doesn’t necessarily have to scream: bride! Who says brides have to either wear their hair down or in a chignon? Try a messy fishtail braid á la Rachel McAdams, or try pin straight locks with a halo headband. 

8. Encourage your groom’s ideas. The Mad Men skinny tie and white dress shirt is a no-fuss, handsome get up. If he wants your first dance to be to something contemporary, figure out how to make it work. It’s his day too!

9. Make your guests feel special. Weddings are a time of celebration but they can also get expensive. Let your guests know you appreciate their support by doing little things. Have a basket of flip flops for the women who simply can’t wear their shoes any longer. A photo booth is a special touch and is always fun for guests. In lieu of favours , donate the money to a worthy cause.

10. Have fun! You’ve stressed so much over the planning process there shouldn’t be anything left to stress about. Yes, things may go wrong but it’s part of the experience. Make sure you enjoy yourself!

My name is kindle and I am better than you

I am an avid reader (I think it actually says that in my bio) so I collect books galore. I also have Amazon’s e-reader, the Kindle. Now don’t get me wrong, the Kindle is super convenient in a 21st Century kind of way, but what about the way reading an actual book makes you feel??

Sure the Kindle can download a book in less than a minute, eliminates my obsessive compulsion to turn the page, fits in all of my purses, and allows me to download a book almost anywhere I might be, but it doesn’t have that new book smell!

I have over 100 books (at this exact moment anyway) that are at my disposal in seconds. I can highlight fancy words that I don’t understand. If I’m falling asleep I can even have the Kindle read to me (not recommended as it’s super robotic, but the point is made). Less clutter, less glare, less back pain from lugging around books…so what exactly is keeping so many people from deleting actual books from their diets?

I talked about the new book smell, well that’s one thing but what about the feeling you get when you open up that 1,000 page tome and it feels like you’re embarking on a great adventure? 

And there’s the collector’s editions of books not to mention the illustrations (even though iPad is colour, it has so much glare that reading in the summer is near impossible). What about those ones you want to give your kids? How sad a world would it be if your child learned to read on a kindle??! 

I love my Kindle, don’t get me wrong, when I don’t want to spend full price or buy a hardcover book, it’s perfect. But there’s just something about curling up with a great page-turner, drinking tea, on a cold winter night that I will never EVER be able to forfeit.