I have insomnia and was sifting through stories/blogs/angry letters I have written in the past and stumbled upon this.
Blog #1 trouble in paradise
Breaking up is hard to do. And getting broken up with sucks. I recently went through a break-up after 3 years. My friends were great, they were my crisis hotline. But it’s hard to listen to your girlfriends call the person-you-love-who-you-hate-for-breaking-up-with-you-but-still-love an asshole. And being unemployed doesn’t help matters much, at home all day with nothing to do, you become nomadic, aimlessly wandering throughout the day. I’d spend some mornings in bed crying and eventually drag myself up only to retreat back to bed within minutes. Some women can look beautiful crying, I cannot.
‘Why?’ Was always the question in my mind. I mean, we were 25, we talked houses, marriage, dogs.. How could he go from spending every minute with me to just not wanting to? I tried to search Facebook for answers but all I found was ambiguity. He added a million people in the first week (OK, so maybe like 10) and some of which were girls, some younger, some attractive, that I had never heard of. Hmmm…Tagged photos of us in shared intimate moments began to disappear, as did some of those new “friendships” from his wall. On the verge of hysteria, I text him (Yes, nowadays it is way more mature to text than to pick up the phone) and demanded explanations which after all he didn’t have to give me considering he was the one who dumped me. But explanations he did give, although they weren’t helpful whatsoever. He “wasn’t sure” why stuff had disappeared from his wall, and he was trying to “organize” his photos, not delete them. I chalked this up as him lacking Facebook experience and put my mind at ease for the day.
At 4:35 a.m. that night, (because did I forget to mention I mostly stopped sleeping?) I logged on to look at his profile again and being the psychotic, heartbroken, insomniac that I was, I began to scroll through his friends’ list to see if I could pick out any girls that I thought he might have recently added that I missed. I came across one girl who didn’t seem familiar. My stomach began to tighten. I checked his mutual friends with her: 1. I glanced at her profile pictures, she was attractive. As I began to write her name down on a post-it for further investigation, I had a revelation. Holy Sh$t! I’m a cyber-stalker. I am stalking my ex-boyfriend and the people he is friends with. How creepy am I? No wonder he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m a huge creep. I promptly deactivated my account and attempted, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep.
The next morning, at about 1p.m., I cleared my schedule, not that I had one, and ventured out to Chapters. I ordered a Grande Chai Tea Latte, extra hot, non-fat, to ease my soul of course, and crept awkwardly towards the section to which I came seeking. I looked left, I looked right and with nobody in sight stepped into the aisle. “Self-Help” stared out from the top of a big shelf, like a finger pointing and laughing at me. I looked cautiously around again, crouched down, the better to not be seen, and started perusing titles. “He’s just not that into you”, “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken”, “10,000 romantic things to do”. The titles ranged from helping women to get over the denial of a break-up, to how to fix a break-up, to how to find someone new.
I grabbed a few titles from the shelf and settled down on a window ledge in the back of the store, conveniently. I started browsing through the books to see if the knowledge they possessed was worth the amount on my Chapters gift card. I settled on “What was I thinking? 58 bad boyfriend stories” thinking that what I needed was a pick-me-up; women sharing their dating horror stories to make my break-up seem not as bad. Upon arriving home, and eating a liquid meal, I settled in with my new book hoping to make myself feel better if only temporarily.
I couldn’t put the book down, the stories were so unbelieveable, so hilarious that I was almost crying. Nearly 60 women shared tales of when they knew that the man of their dreams, really wasn’t from their dreams. Men who were moody, assholes, sexual fetishists, kleptomaniacs and your typical bad boys marched across the pages.
I finished the book within two days and had another revelation: Women across the world had it way worse than I did. My ex-boyfriend had broken up with me because he believed “it was what we both wanted”. The women in the book dealt with men who rivaled the anti-Christ and my ex-boyfriend still read and responded to my text messages. I had cyber-stalked the “asshole”, had moped around for two weeks, had snuck around the self-help section of Chapters like a shoplifter and in the end my situation was a lot better then nearly every single woman in the book.
I felt empowered, to say the least. I thought, hey! I can do this on my own, I’m an independent woman! I don’t need a man to make me happy or to define me! If he doesn’t want to be with me, his loss! That book opened tons of doors to me that I presumed were locked before. I was excited to start my new single life, so I started with high-lights in a colour I knew he would hate.
Two days later, we were back together.